Lindsey Vonn, Tiger Woods Announce Relationship on Facebook Video.

Ending months of speculation and rumors, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn announced on their personal Facebook pages Monday that they are an ordinary couple into incredibly perverse, bizarre, and degrading sexual acts.

“We’re reserved, consenting adults just like your loved ones, enjoying quiet evenings on the couch, fisting drunk skanks we picked up at a bar,” said Woods, adding that their relationship had evolved quite normally from being close friends to sharing every bodily fluid. “Lindsey and I do a lot of typical stuff like watching sunsets, cooking dinner together, or she’ll strap on a dildo and ream my ass like crazy.”

“Anyway, we appreciate that you respect our privacy,” continued Woods.

Woods expressed hope that the announcement would limit public scrutiny and prevent intrusion into their mundane personal affairs, such as soliciting prostitutes for gangbangs.

“At the end of the day, Lindsey and I just want to be left alone with four or five hookers, my buddy Kurt, a couple frat boys, and our favorite cameraman,” said the 14-time major winner. “We don’t want the press always interfering in our sordid sex lives.”

“I hate getting hounded by paparazzi every time my girlfriend and I are out and about trying to innocently invite a few lactating pregnant women to our weekly orgy,” added Woods.
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